Catch 21

"With so many different directions to choose from, you just have to keep one foot in front of the other. Trust your gut and follow your heart."

A.G.

The crossroads of decision and direction approach and arrive. I seem armed only with irresolution and indecision that I have already sworn away. This type of life, so much more in concert with anonymity and inconsequentiality. No inherent risk and no apparent gain.

Its actually quite the juxtaposition from the barriers faced previously. And it is due to one simple observation and truth. Life is easy, it is just not simple.

All the aspects in life that we choose to attain are really easy to identify. The steps to attain them are varied, but similarly identifiable relative to the end. This all is easy. Putting together a plan and securing the will to do so is easy. It is the action, the determination and the commitment to the course of action with abandon to all other causes which are not simple. This is true of myself. I often wonder if this is a fake phobia or a self created delusional flaw of character or worse yet is it real?

It all seems to make perfect sense until it doesn't. Doesn't it? I used to feel that destiny played a hand in everything I did. Perhaps naively thinking so as destiny is inexplicably and unconditionally linked with good fortune. And therefore given the association I was destined. I may no longer hold this as true considering I question previous logic. Instead I heed the advice of those who preach hard work and simply 'getting out there'. One thing that I do acknowledge is that I lost the ability to ask for what I want. Does anybody use that form of authenticity any more? I certainly would like to rediscover it.

At times I explore my state of mind and my state of being and rationalize that this is me waiting for what I truly want and desire. It seems as though a sufficient amount of time has been spent learning what I do not desire to do. But clearly idleness is not the vehicle to discovering 'destiny' so to speak. I place myself in a fortunate few. A window to take advantage of any opportunity or desire that I identify as attainable. And with that I am armed with renewed vigor and self assurance.

So I implore myself. I beg myself. That I be freed from the shackles of my own undefined ambition.

Song of the Day: Nujabes-Another Reflection

Needs Improvement

Transition, it is always filled with variations in emotions and questions. Issues such as what do I want to accomplish? What will best serve my intentions in life and help me grow towards those intentions? What specific skill set do I wish to build? All important questions certainly but more recently I was posed with the notion that I was lost, out of sorts and confused as to what direction I should proceed in. This was quite the contrast from how I felt at the outset of that very same day. I had opportunity without it being actively sought out, the advantage of time on my side and the knowledge of what is important to me going forward in order to address the above questions. The reason cited for this view of where I am was in large part due to the following identified weaknesses. Keeping in mind that I do appreciate constructive feedback I decided to analyze the following weakness by first stating the area of improvement and expanding on these and then giving my opinion as to whether I feel this is a true weakness and any possible solutions or approach.

1-Lack of Organization/Structure: This is an area that I have had scarce success in. I acknowledge that I am not the best when it comes to creating a situation which is fool proof. I believe this feedback was meant more towards working within an organizational structure and reporting to a 'boss'. I think that this criticism is unfounded to a large extent. Mainly because when working withing a structure I have had little problem reporting to a higher level and no problem with authority. This is an area where I believe I need to learn how a hierarchy is created and maintained effectively. I believe that my last experience lacked this mainly because of the ability of both the boss and employee (myself). Possible solutions are being my own boss and creating this structure through trail and error, or going to join a large corporation and work within a strict and established structure.

2-Inability with respect to Execution/Completion: I would agree with this criticism to a large degree. When tasked with completing smaller parts of an end goal I find no problem is doing so. However, in my post university work life there is really no large project that I have been able to see through to completion with the company and team. I feel one notable exception is being a large part of building a property management business both in theory (operations) and in practice. Solutions to this are largely internal in that I need to work on my focus and dedication to a specific task with the end result in mind. There is an aspect of making all the parts and players work but I believe for me this on my personal level.

3- Self Control: This is a critique that I came up with. Dealing with two aspects in particular. One is to do with toning down my partying and the level of intoxication I allow and the corressponding fallout that can and does occasionally occur. The second part is to digest, refelct and then act appropriately in a measured way to achieve a desired response. Specifically I want to learn how to better achieve an end. I tend to act on impulse and need a more though out approach sometimes more delicate and at other times timely and assertive. The solution here is quite apparent. Thinking further into the matter will resolve impulse and moderation in any excess is something I need to excercise more frequently.

I believe that in recognizing and addressing these issues it allows me to be more effective in moving forward with a good decision. I do not allow myself to believe that I am lost as was pointed out to me, as I tend to buy into what other have to say especially considering the source. In this instance I choose to believe in myself with the knowledge there is room to improve.

Song of the Day: Mos Def-No Hay Nada Mas