Thursday, August 27, 2009

Catch 21

"With so many different directions to choose from, you just have to keep one foot in front of the other. Trust your gut and follow your heart."

The crossroads of decision and direction approach and arrive. I seem armed only with irresolution and indecision that I have already sworn away. This type of life, so much more in concert with anonymity and inconsequentiality. No inherent risk and no apparent gain.

Its actually quite the juxtaposition from the barriers faced previously. And it is due to one simple observation and truth. Life is easy, it is just not simple.

All the aspects in life that we choose to attain are really easy to identify. The steps to attain them are varied, but similarly identifiable relative to the end. This all is easy. Putting together a plan and securing the will to do so is easy. It is the action, the determination and the commitment to the course of action with abandon to all other causes which are not simple. This is true of myself. I often wonder if this is a fake phobia or a self created delusional flaw of character or worse yet is it real?

It all seems to make perfect sense until it doesn't. Doesn't it? I used to feel that destiny played a hand in everything I did. Perhaps naively thinking so as destiny is inexplicably and unconditionally linked with good fortune. And therefore given the association I was destined. I may no longer hold this as true considering I question previous logic. Instead I heed the advice of those who preach hard work and simply 'getting out there'. One thing that I do acknowledge is that I lost the ability to ask for what I want. Does anybody use that form of authenticity any more? I certainly would like to rediscover it.

At times I explore my state of mind and my state of being and rationalize that this is me waiting for what I truly want and desire. It seems as though a sufficient amount of time has been spent learning what I do not desire to do. But clearly idleness is not the vehicle to discovering 'destiny' so to speak. I place myself in a fortunate few. A window to take advantage of any opportunity or desire that I identify as attainable. And with that I am armed with renewed vigor and self assurance.

So I implore myself. I beg myself. That I be freed from the shackles of my own undefined ambition.

Song of the Day: Nujabes-Another Reflection

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